naked conversation

Realism.

2012-01-30T13:01:00.000+08:00

"What happened to us?" I asked her
" Life." she answered and stared away.

People can't flaunt their happiness.
They prefer misery plot.
They want a tragedy.
I just want a moment.
of my own.

2012-01-19T09:30:00.000+08:00

when a woman tells you that "You are pretty"
it differs than the perception that you have when a man tells you the same thing

when a woman tells you that she misses you
you have the different meaning when a gentleman telling you the same phrase.

when a woman tells you ' I love you, girl'
it gives the whole other meaning.
Cause you knew, you found a friend that is irreplaceable.

a when a man tells you, he loves you.

you wink ;)

Some might say, I just reemphasize

2012-01-15T23:37:00.000+08:00

I don't have 'SAYA YANG MENURUT PERINTAH' attitude.
That might be my no 17 I didn't join Government sector.
And an ex student asked me the question again and again.

how secured is secured enough, darl?

and I don't have specific blue print for my life.
I just live!

and like so many events and plots in my life.

It was not all planned and scripted.

wait for the next scene
*gasp*

are we THAT innocent?

2012-01-11T11:37:00.002+08:00

my close friend texted me just now.

i came across my grammar book and saw this " DUTA SAKTI BATU"

OH MAN!! hahahahahah
don't ask!

I prayed for peace today-

2012-01-04T09:16:00.000+08:00

I found myself praying for peace today.
I’ve been in and out of my mind a thousand times
I know You heard me.
I know I wasn’t alone in that room,
shaking with the fear of fear,
the harrowing loneliness.
I cried out to You on my hands. On my knees.
With my face pushed down against the ground.
If I could have gotten lower, I swear I would.
Because that is helplessness, the truest kind…
The kind that knows nothing, not one leaf, or tear, or smile can be
without Him.
I learned something today.
Again.
This is dunya. Dunya. Not a place of ease. Only glitter.
The place where you have to feel cold and hungry.
The place where you have to worry and feel scared.
The place where it gets cold.
So cold, sometimes.
The place where you have to leave the people you love.
Where you can’t get attached, because even if you do, it doesn’t make it stay, it just makes it hurt when it doesn’t.
The place where happiness and sadness are only players, waiting for their next line in a play…
Competing for their place on stage.
The place where gravity makes you fall, and frailty makes you bleed.
The place where sadness exists, because it must.
And tears fall to remind you of a place where they don’t.
Where they just don’t.

And isn’t that just it? Isn’t jannah that place after all,
that place that Allah describes over and over and over in 2 ways?
La khawfun alayhim wa la hum yahzanoon…
On them shall be no fear…nor shall they grieve.

But I’m still here, aren’t I?
The scar on my flesh reminds me of that.
The burn on my arm left a scar that I love.
I love it because it reminds me how weak I am.
How human.
That I burn. That I bleed. That I break. That I scar.
Yes. It is here that I am. Here that I fall. Here that I cry.
Here, just the same, that You filled that room, and lifted me to humbleness, and an acute knowledge of my own powerlessness and excruciating need for You.
And then you took care of it.
Of course You did.
Of course.
Like Younus, and Musa, and his mother. You took care of it.
You are the Peace of the peaceful.
The Strength of the strong.
The Lighthouse of Truth in this storm of lies.
So, I found myself praying for peace today.

Yasmin Mogahed

source

Last week of December

2011-12-28T09:36:00.000+08:00

few more days. I haven't received my planner or desk calendar for 2012
but then.
my schedule for January 2012 has been packed.
been struggling for SPSS for quite sometimes

now, Everything is doing just fine.

how do you mark your New Year?
new beginning?
bench mark?
milestone?

I had spent my last few New Years on bus/train/car travelling for my classes in UKM.
technically I have been struggling.
Emotionally I overcome loneliness, sadness, shittyness due to every possible reasons I encountered.

I learn to accept small things and ignore on big things.

And take things one day at a time.

fear

2011-12-21T16:54:00.001+08:00

Thalamus - decides where to send incoming sensory data (fromeyes, ears, mouth, skin)
Sensory cortex - interprets sensory data
Hippocampus - stores and retrieves conscious memories; processes sets of stimuli to establish context
Amygdala - decodes emotions; determines possible threat; stores fear memories
Hypothalamus - activates "fight or flight" response

fear is one of beautiful responses that human equipped with

fear push oneself to move forward and being timid of what's in front of them

I come to learn that fear also makes two strangers come together as one

I come to learn that Bersangka baik pada Allah was inspired from fear.

Bersangka baik pada Allah no matter how shitty how your days become.

Bersangka baik pada Allah.

and everything happens now has been planned before.

it will rain

2011-12-18T09:49:00.000+08:00

I go to work although the school is not in session. Thumb print. Start doing my assignments.all day long.
going back, doing some reading
more assignments to come.
taking 5.30 or 6.30am bus to KL for a day class in UKM
being so crancky for being tired.
putting on weight
korek jerawat while doing assignments.
baju kelawar is my uniform while doing assignments
#likeaboss

butthurt.

Be strong. Butthurt.

berlagu-lagu

2011-12-16T16:16:00.000+08:00

Kau dampingi aku
Setiap detik jantungku berdetak
Setiap nota jiwaku berlagu-lagu

first five days of December

2011-12-06T13:24:00.000+08:00

interesting enough, I started off my first 5 days in December staying in a hostel in Zaaba, UKM

Doing routines as what students in hostels do is very interesting.

Bring back so many memories. and listening to free flow of singing session (Lagu Ramlah Ram: rock kapak tahun 90an)- seriously? They don't have good latest-current songs eh?

People washing clothes at odd hours.
Girls screaming from one dorm to another just to ask,
nak pergi makan kul berapa?

I was on my laptop, watching movies, listening to songs, watching series, reading, doing presentation, mengaji.

I was on my own.

It is like a small getaway of my own with limited budget ;)

and, I feel different now, going back to my own office being an adult (again!)

I killed the presentation session. Might be the last one for my masters programme, Insyaallah.

I am happier :)

december

2011-11-30T15:15:00.000+08:00

I hate the idea that the semester begins in September.
Cause it makes the whole December a disastrous one!
December last year, I went to Hatyai and shopping and go uuu and aaaaa over Christmas decoration around the shopping malls.
And attending weddings.

This year, dah le dah gemok, makan banyak. Assignments banyak. Bilik mcm titanic nak pecah.
Dark circles makin obvious,
nak jogging je hujan.

Yes, I COMPLAIN too much.

Please be kind, December.

Inspirational

2011-11-23T09:57:00.000+08:00

“I went through heavy, darker times and I survived them,” the 36-year-old actress shared.

“I didn’t die young, so I’m very lucky. There are other artists and people who didn’t survive certain things.”

Angie continued. “People can imagine I did the most dangerous and the worst. For many reasons, I shouldn’t be here. You just think [about] those times when you came too close to too many dangerous things, too many chances taken, too far.”

“I’m still a bad girl,” Angie added.

“I still have that side of me…it’s just in its place now…it belongs to Brad (Pitt)

Or…our adventures.”

source

over my head

2011-11-22T11:11:00.000+08:00

I am tired of running.
Been running my entire life.
Rarely stop nor consider to quit.
Just at this moment.
I have a reason to slow down,
and let people to join my pace.
and this one stranger offered me his drink,
and he tells me stories

Have you met yours?

It's fcuking scary, dude!

keluh kesah bersama kak esah

2011-11-19T12:03:00.001+08:00

the habit I figure out among those who recently married or being in a relationship is they tend to potray it in firstly, social network,
facebook of course.

first day of declaration: same matching sweet couple picture together.
*which sometimes makes the readers confused whether they are chatting with the male or female, coz they are so alike (the chemistry is so strong, ohhh.)

day ten: still couple picture together. Maybe different set, male: both standing, female: both sitting, same place, different pose.
*people go on liking the pics saying, bila lagi ni?- nak dapat baby or bila lagi nak kawen, sweet sangat.

day 45- the male is using female's pic as profile pic and it works vice versa.
*usually it happens after big fight. this is a trick to win your love one's heart. ohhhhh, and we get confused like all the time.You changed your gender already? Which is which?

one year later. male having his own pic, female having her own self as profile pic.

i think i should convert my observation skill into my term paper now.

bloody hell.

Sarawak.

2011-11-11T09:46:00.001+08:00

Kuching Waterfront

Perempuan Gojes *Scream*

us at Sarawak Cultural Village

blow pipe

SCV

Bidayuh long house

Uncle Edwin

Skulls like real skulls

medical check up

Bidayuh Kids at kampung Bunuk Kindergarten,

Bidapod Bauh *See you again* in Bidayuh

well, we went to Kampung Bunuk in Sarawak last month.
These are all the pictures.
I am definitely coming back, dude!

subway? pls, ktm komuter

2011-11-10T21:42:00.000+08:00

My friend was all moody and cranky boarding a train to Masjid Jamek station on a Saturday morning.
What do you expect?
It's weekend babeh!
There you have, Indonesia,Myanmar, Middle Easterns, Malays, Chinese & Indians, and you can't complaint much about it.
Being a regular on trains and buses and trips and journeys and Pudu Raya,
there's nothing much can be complained.

well, at least for now.

I remember an incident whereby I boarded a train with a close friend, and as we were standing in the crowded train, she was asking me, Ape bau kuda ni?

and muka gua tukar oren jingga in response to her question.

So, everytime, I boarded a crowded KTM komuter, i try to picture myself, boarding a subway in NYC.

usually, the day dream lasts only three minutes.

*glassshattered*

fatima

2011-11-02T10:19:00.000+08:00

this is weird.

I am getting this kind of dream lately.
I was being called 'Fatima' in a dream.
I was wearing black Abaya, black Hijab, thick eyeliner.

I was at airport.
There's a group of people wearing white Jubah and purdah sending me off.
I can't see their faces due to the Purdah-of course!

And they called me 'Fatima'

Laila and Fatima.

Two very strong lady character in History.

I guess, it is time to change(?)

to be stronger. respected. poise and elegant.

kot kalau aku mimpi jadi Courtney Love, i should be worried, kan? :p

Laila

2011-10-31T09:59:00.000+08:00

We were in a Colosseum, I was young,
There is a try-out for a play. I am not sure whether I know what is all out about.
I read the script on the stage.

Few moments later, I was called by a man, I assumed it is the stage manager or something.
He turned to me, " You'll be our Laila for the play"
Laila?

It was then went blurry, I was on stage.
We have this handsome leading man, and another guy who is supposed to be the distractor, the third party.
The plots went as usual as it goes for any love story.

And the leading man gets Laila at the end of the day.

We went out for our final bow, I heard the loud applause out there.
and then the another guy in the play smiled to me.

He held my hands and we ran away from the crowd.
and we are at the spot where we can see the light of the whole city from there.

It was beautiful.

I woke up. It was 6.30am.
Maybe, I need to go to Italy.
Maybe, I need to stop looking for the hero.
Maybe, I need to realize that good things come in unexpected form.

word!

2011-10-26T13:07:00.000+08:00

Being bitter and dark and angry helps you sometimes.

but don't make it a habit.

spend on things and people that makes you happy.

I guess I developed the habit of being sarcastic cause it will help me preventing deeper heartache.

and humour helps you go through the most shitteous day, too.

shit! assignments.

yo

2011-10-25T11:56:00.001+08:00

I dunno what happened to my laptop, I cannot access my blog and certain website.
after much struggle, I am BACK.

Will post more stories, soon.

welcome back, blogging!

funny eh

2011-10-11T11:11:00.000+08:00

it's funny on how people see you as the sunlight of the day.
laugh that filled up the room.
the white spot on black background.
the morning scent that occurred on the hot tiring afternoon.

the truth is you can't share anything with anyone.
because life is better when you bottled up every damn scars and wound.
and when everyone is holding on to you.
all is left is the rusted rope which only time will decide how long it will last.

and I am tired.

I'm holding on

2011-10-05T10:06:00.002+08:00

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home

on things and things

2011-09-28T20:54:00.000+08:00

1. I was supposed to read on foreign language anxiety articles. Oh, wait, supposed to come out with sets of questionnaire for my study actually. I am still on my bed. Lying on my back. Smelling my hair.

2. My room is a mess. Papers are all over. And NOBODY is allowed to touch anything until my masters is done. My table in my office is a mess too. Marking has gone down the drain.

3.I am going to Kampung Bunuk, Sarawak next week. My students' programme in collaboration with UNESCO- take that!

4. I love to travel alone. It is like my core. I was born with it. I love the silence that I experience through out the journey.

5. I don't feel at ease, being hugged by strangers. (read: female) Be it, students, friends, who ever. I don't like getting physical (read: can marriage heals this? eh!) I don't like being physically touch. I am comfortable with distance. (Gila!)

6. I love to teach. I figure this out during one of my class. In the midst of class, suddenly after almost 4 years of teaching, I come to my realization. I love to teach!

7. I found friends at the strangest place. In a sister, in the loudest laugh, in the most tearful pain, in the young soul of girl.

Pesanan untuk anda di sana

2011-09-27T14:54:00.000+08:00

I am here sometimes by unfortunate events,
by incidents,
by accidents,
by all the unplanned plots and interventions

I am here with blood and tears on my white shirt.
Sweat and laughter. interchange.
my white shirt has faded

I am still here.

with a big wound in my heart.

I am still here, instead

well?

2011-09-21T11:52:00.000+08:00

Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

you know that reaction you get whenever you made someone's day?
Priceless~

Zikir

2011-09-19T16:06:00.000+08:00

Hasbiallahu la ilahailla hu, ‘alai hi tawakkaltu, wa hua rabbul ‘arsyil ‘azim

Amalkan selepas Subuh & Asar.

Moga Allah buka segala jalan dan permudahkan kekusutan.

this is too much!

2011-09-19T10:41:00.002+08:00

this is too much!

too cute to handle

a straight line

2011-09-16T14:04:00.000+08:00

I can't draw a straight line.
I can't cut a straight line either.
I was meant for non straight line storyboard,

I come to learn that WOMEN are much stronger than MEN
And I learn on how to hide emotions and flaws.
and shut the door to the world.
and the world does not revolves around the issue
you haven't find your true love only.
there are so many tiny particles that yet to be encountered.

so many,

I pray to Allah that I am stronger each day.